iN e sTatE oF cOnFuSioN

_iN e sTatE oF cOnFuSioN

i tink frm e title...most of u will noe wat i wan to tok about...so if u dun wan to see all tis rubbish...u r most welcum to click on e red button with e cross on the top right hand corner of the page...thanks...

oct 2006 till now is like almost 8mths already...i ought to gif miself a pat on e bet...but everytime i tink about it...honestly speaking...i feel like crying...ever heard chopin's ballade no 1?tt's how i feel...honestly...confuse...anger...all kinds of emotions...but i do feel tt tt song do suit mi mood...hahHAhaa...watever e case...

ive been trying to separate miself frm band all these mths...i wan to enjoy band music again...but i dun haf e courage to do so animore...whenever i tink bout going to nie...one ques keeps popping into mi brain...do i wan to join nie band?or do i choose to do sth else?i dunno...do i wan to run away frm wat i like?

honestly...i feel like a coward...a bery seriously idiotic one...but wat could i do?i dun wan to kana insulted by pple again...it was a total bad insult...i will always rmb it...seriously...no matter wat...tis is like e barrier which is blocking mi out frm band...

i feel like a disgrace...i let mrs lim down...e woman who believed in mi bout mi great carrer in music...mi love in music who told mi no matter wat happen i shldnt b giving it up...i totally let her down...im such an ass...mr tan...e man who told mi off when i sae i wan to gif up back in j1...when he told mi...music is mi passion...why am i giving up?tt motivation kept mi in band till all e trouble arrived...im such an ass...i cant forgive miself...i dun tink i can forgive miself...

i noe tt to forgif onself is solving one of e biggest problem...but i dun seem to b able to do tt now...sometimes i jux ask miself...is mi love for band music onli tt much?y am i not doing sth for miself?i could gif up so many tings for band last time...i could contribute so much time n effort before...no matter how wasted it was...i still did it...wat happened during e past 8 mths?

wat was i tinking during tt 8mths?wat was i doing?i dunno e ans...

beethoven...e great man who did so many wk...even during his darkness moment...he did not gif up...he was turning deaf...wat was tt motivation which allow him to write so many beautiful works still?wat was tt motivation?who knows?

i wish to b like him...nv lost faith in sth which i believe deeply in...

i mux crawl out of tis depression mood...

mayb some dae...i can face band music without fear animore...

some dae...