time for serious tinking...

+time for serious tinking...+

i noe im suppose to slp now...coz its like 1.15am?n im bery bery bery tired...too long nv take drill with them...so...aching over...though im not marching...but its tiring okie... --""""

well...im tinking again...letting mi tots run wild...really wild...coz im really tinking...

was reading a few of mi juniors' blog juz now...den it made mi ting...wat's mi purpose in band?to help them or juz to see them?but mi ans currently now is...juz to see them...i dun feel like im helping at all...more like...go there do nth...den leave...sometimes i really feel tt i dun deserve wat im hafing now...im not up to tt...

i cant stand going back but not doing much to help out...i feel out...odd...out of place...aniting word meaning "out"...i dunno y oso...e nxt few prac...im still tinking...whether i shld go not too...its like no band prac or aniting...later go liao...again waste time...i dun wan to...though time is all e ting i haf now...but i dun wan like tt...i wan to b able to do sth to help...but there's nth i can do now...haiz...but if i dun go...i feel guilt in mi blood...

gracia...u r useless...

ive been in e band for so long...i went thru ups n downs...been discriminated...been left out...everyting...ive encountered...but i still dun seem to understand miself...i still dun see y im enduring so long in tis band...i dunno y oso...im bery bery bery tired with e band...ive every intention to gif up...sometimes i juz feel like breaking down...brust into tears...for no gd reason...i dunno y too...am i too stress again?but its juz after exams...

i haf see e band grow for like 6years...and i haf see e work put in by e band members...whether is it whole heartedly or watsoever...n ive done mi best to help them out...but everyting...i feel tt im not doing enuff to help them...e worst ting is...i dunno wat i can do to help...im not gd at drills...music worst...sucky...y am i still there?y?

mayb...mr tan did a wrong ting by promoting mi den...it made mi wanna stay longer...but...i cannot deny tt...his words keep appearing in mi head..."music is ur passion...y r u gifing it up?" it really hit mi hard den...real hard...everytime i tink of it...i feel like crying...coz its like...im stuck btw two walls...i wan to push them away...break them down...do aniting to free miself...but everytime i wanna do it...i start to feel weak n wan to gif up...i feel useless...unwanted...un-needed by e band...

i believe tt they can do well even without mi...i truely believe tt...i dunno how's their playing now...but one ting i noe is...ive not been back for almost 1month till last fridae...e ting is...e last time i went back...i was happy with their performance...n im happy...

e band...really makes mi wanna pass mi knowledge of music to them...but i dun haf e chance...e instructors are always there...helping them...ricka (how do u spell her name?) is so so so much better than mi...im standing in a corner now...juz watching...juz looking...there's nth much 4 mi to do...

e daes of syf...when i went back everydae...tinking of it...really makes mi wanna cry...tinking of how much time...effort n energy ive put into them really makes mi wonder whether its worth while...n im proud to sae...yes...e notes i took 4 miself...i still read it...e "reports" i asked them to write...may b a little worn out now...but e words are still read n rmbed in mi head...when e clarinet were able to play their running notes n got praised by mr tan...i really cried...i dunno y...e tears juz came...e times when i always rushed down frm skool...feeling tired n everyting...e daes i rushed frm there to skool...its tiring...but all worth well...

but am i still needed by them...nope...i dun tink so...honestly...if among e 4 of us...one haf to leave...i shall n shld b e 1st...im not e same as them...im e odd one out...get it...

now...im feeling sad again...frm e dae i stayed as senior NCO to e daes of alumni exco...which is now...ive nv receive ani thanks...its making mi ting again...whether im accepted by them...or am i like...juz some ex-senior cuming back to visit n kpo...i dunno...i really dunno...

i really feel like leaving...but i oso wanna to stay to help...oh god...pls gif mi a sign...

shld i stay or leave?